Dear Bachelor

The entire purpose of the bachelor party ritual is to celebrate the "one last night of freedom" by getting as drunk as possible, and somewhere along the way include a stripper. We know. If you've seen the movie Bachelor Party or any sitcom including one, the stripper must also do something ridiculous or pop up at the most inappropriate moment. We know. Do as thou wilt, but let me give you the rules on how to realistically live out your fantasy without winding up banned from a bar or alienating every stripper in sight.

1) Call the club a day or two in advance & let them know you're coming. Some bars have "no party buses after 7:00PM" rules.

2) No more than a few drinks before visiting us. If you're wasted upon arrival you may:

A. Be denied entry

B. Annoy all of us

C. Forget the whole thing

3) Save your money. Cover charge + drinks + stage dance + lap dance = Oops, shouldn't have gotten that hummer limo.

4) Being a friend means buying a lap dance. $1 tips here and there are great and all, but just like ordering food in a restaurant it's expected that a large table order some dances. It should be the groomsmen buying either lap dances for the groom or for the groom & themselves. It's your choice on whether or not to buy dances from multiple girls or to pool together for a V.I.P. room session.

5) Let the man have a say in the "stage dance"! Most groom's grin & bear being humiliated & beat up by strippers on stage, but wind up with bruises. You can very well pay a couple of girls to give him a mildly abusive dance instead.

6) Don't push the envelope. Being cocky, demanding, or rowdy is only funny to you. Everyone else thinks you're a D-Bag.

7) Treat the dancers like you would your own momma. Piss off 1 & she'll pass it onto the rest of us, who will promptly ignore you. Not such a fun outing when no stripper will come near you, is it?

8) Remember what you're celebrating. It's not really your last night of freedom, so don't loose your senses & think you have to feel us up as a "last chance" opportunity.

9) You're about to be married, not buried. That means she'll find out what you did & there's no escaping it.

10) If a member of your party goes missing, remember to check the rooftop.

The Sexiest Thing is Trust

Rarely do I find myself overwhelmed in a packed bar, but after a night of aggressive batchelor parties sometimes a girl needs to excuse herself to the dressing room just to hide away. It's amazing how many times one can reapply their lipstick to justify to themselves that their time off of the floor is necessary. In this particular case, we had a dressing room full of girls opening the curtains and running in screaming "Jeeessusss!" Party bus after party bus these drunken batchelors kept pouring in, to the point where regular weekenders were a small minority. And the unusual bit? Every single one of those groom & groomsmen to be were the most Handsy McFeeliest men I've come to meet. The good news is that I didn't have to offer anyone a dance. The bad news is that the moment I'd step onto the floor I was mauled for one.

Some bouncers overcompensate & jump in the moment they think a patron is suspicious. Some make us out to be the root of all problems. Some will do anything to get a bribe... I mean tip.

But the sexiest thing going on in a strip bar on a night of such, is those bouncers who truly have your best interest at heart. It's only now & then that we find a group of men so willing to bust their asses in order to assure that we're safe & happy.

& their doing it all because it's the right thing to do, not because we might like their muscles.

Instead of mauling your local stripper, try to protect her like you would your Mercedes.